Non-Fiction Friday: Celebrity Response Protocol

Maybe I've lived in Los Angeles for too long, but celebrities are just regular people who happen to be famous. But I have seen customers and fellow restaurant staffers lose their marbles when a recognizable face strolls through the door, causing us all a bit of embarrassment.

Here are a few rules to help those of you who may not know how to act.

1. Don't ask for an autograph.  Just please don't do it. Because you're an adult and what the hell are you going to do with a signed cocktail napkin. Seriously.

2. Do not helicopter. The water doesn't need to be refilled after every sip. The napkin doesn't need to be replaced after each wipe. The silverware does not need to be polished after each bite.

3. Don't tell him that he has always been your favorite actor. He has already assumed that you're in love with him. He's a celebrity, remember?

4. Don't tell her you wanted to be an actress when you were little. If she's nice and actually engages in that conversation, she honestly doesn't give two hoots that you were Lucy in the 3rd grade Christmas play.

5. Don't tweet anything negative or snarky until long after he's gone. Celebs use the "Near By Tweets" too you know, and will expose you faster than a fake Louis Vuitton.

6. If she overtips you, don't gush. It's embarrassing for everyone. If she stiffs you, channel your rage to Twitter.

7. When he asks you to sleep with him, try to get him to explain exactly what it is that makes you different from the other bartenders and waitresses. Was it the way you said, "do you like it on the rocks or neat?" Because you need to know what makes you special.

8. Do not take the celebrities order last and then put it in before your other tables. If it's Prince William and Princess Kate, then duh, put that in first. Otherwise you'll piss off the regulars and screw your tips up.

9. Do not give him a handshake, hug, or kiss when he gets up to leave. Unless he initiates it. And if he's the one to start things off then pull him into the liquor closet and get down girl.

10. If he buys you a drink, accept it, but don't confuse it with the key to his Malibu beach house. So go ahead and unpack that bag you just mentally assembled and think HARD-TO-GET.

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