This Girl's Party Etiquette: 5 Tips to Save Your Oscar Party

If you're hosting an Oscar party, or planning to watch the show at a friend's house, there are a few behavioral issues we'd like to cover to ensure a pleasant viewing experience for all. 1. Red Carpet Trash Talk Many will argue that the red carpet show is just as interesting if not better than the actual Oscars. Each starlet's dress, hair style, and BF is well scrutinized by those of us on the couch. But go easy with your insults. There is an unspoken limit to one's snarky, light-hearted potshots before a person comes across as bitter, jealous, and angry. We suggest that for every two insults, you say something nice; it can be unrelated to the actors. Then you can get away with saying whatever you want and people will still think that you're a nice person. For example: "That girl bugs me soooo bad and her dress is hideous. But this dip is amaaaazing! I must have this recipe." 2. Blue-Streak Commentary Whether you're hosting a party or attending as a guest, no one wants to hear endless commentary from you or anyone else. It's exhausting. If you know of a friend or family member who can't shut the hell up during group television viewings, introduce a game called "Name That Commentary." It's super fun. Here are the rules:

  • All personal commentary during the show cannot be audibly shared and must be written down on the paper provided. Only comments about the food, cocktails, and each other are acceptable.
  • Commercial break commentary is acceptable but it has to be about the commercials. If you mention anything you've written down about the show you will be disqualified from the game and asked to leave.
  • Under-your-breath-commentary will not be tolerated. You will receive one warning and then your notepad will be confiscated.
  •  At the end of the show, go around the room and share what you wrote down. If 80% of the room laughs, you get to stay. If it's less than that, you'll need to leave. The party has ended for you. (Be sure to nominate someone to count the laughs. But they have to be out loud laughs. Not LOL laughs that we all know don't actually involve any laughing).
  • The winner gets a bottle of wine. See? Fun!

3. Fast Forwardable Moments Assuming that you'll be taping the show for convenient delayed viewing, you may be tempted to skip through the nominees for Production Design, Sound Mixing, or any appearances from Anne Hathaway. These skippable moments must be agreed upon before the beginning of the event. Your friends may take offense to the fact that you absolutely cannot stand the site of  An- I mean, "Sound Mixing," "Sound Mixing's" voice, anything "Sound Mixing" has to say, and "Sound Mixing's" dress choice. So work that out beforehand or plan to temporarily leave the room when you see "Sound Mixing."

4. Ban Social Media Nothing is more annoying than having someone at your party on the West Coast share aloud a tweet from the East Coast announcing the winner of Best Anything.  Collect phones at the door or post signs that say "Social Media Not Welcome Here." Unless of course the invitation said, "You and your phone are invited to watch the Oscars."

5. Qualify the Invitees Make sure you're inviting people who will contribute to the night, not detract. This means that people who haven't actually seen a single nominated movie are not invited. Nothing is worse than hearing, "Is that a good movie?" or "I wish I saw this!!" or even worse, "I totally think XYZ is going to win." So write your invitation in code, like this:            "Please join me on Sunday night for some home-mades and crabby             snacks argo f#@$ yourself, because I can eat biscuits, but God made tigers carnivorous." Anyone who calls or emails you to inquire about the strange wording in the email is off the list. Just say you cancelled the party. You'll have one less person there to ruin it.

Thursday Threads: Oscar Party Attire!

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